NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Anthony Davis slams the phone down on Ron Baker

Dear Kristaps Porzingis,

We too were sorry to see that Ron Baker got his face broken trying to block an Anthony Davis dunk, but the Brow’s offense does not justify a charge of attempted murder, as you suggest. Saying that a vicious dunk has “killed” a player is something people say on Twitter, and usually Larry Nance Jr. is involved. But it’s not an actual murder! Granted, usually the guy does not go to the hospital for facial surgery afterward.

We suspect that you feel guilty about the injury, and honestly, you should. Stopping Anthony Davis at the rim is way above Ron Baker’s pay grade! It’s also above his height grade, talent grade and personal safety grade. You let AD go by you, and children’s book author Ron Baker paid the price. He’s like your mismatched partner, taking a bullet when he’s two days away from retirement. And let’s be real: Ron Baker’s skill set means he’s always two days away from retirement, involuntary or not. He’s already started work on his new book, "You’re Never Too Big to Ice Your Broken Face."

This is like when Spider-Man thought he was too good to stop a robber and then that robber killed his Uncle Ben. You have to protect Uncle Ron! We’re not saying you have to start fighting crime as a vigilante in New York City, but we’re also not saying you shouldn’t. With great unicorn talent comes great responsibility. Ron’s going to be wearing a mask for a while anyway — maybe you can borrow it for an easy transition.

Amazingly & Spectacularly Yours, NBA Referee Hotline 

James Harden 

Dear James Harden,

As you can see in the Last Two Minute Report, the league has ruled that both of your late offensive fouls were the right calls. You dislodged Marcus Smart from his legal guarding position, which is indeed an offensive foul. Of course, he also sold the contact extremely hard. In fact, some players might call it a flop. That is, players besides James Harden, who does not have a leg to stand on when it comes to flopping.

You’re the floppingest player in the NBA, at least when your teammate Chris Paul is out. You flop like a big-budget King Arthur movie starring David Beckham and a son of anarchy. You hit the floor more often than a Duke point guard pretending to play tough defense. If you were in the NFL, you’d never complete a legal catch, because you’re always going to the ground. As Shakespeare would put it, you were hoisted by your own petard, that is, to be blown up by your own bomb. Did we only recently learn that phrase had nothing to do with butts? Yes, but it’s not important.

This is like if Pete Rose had bet thousands of dollars that he’d be elected to the Hall of Fame. It’s like Tom Brady breaking his foot on a bike pump, Tom Sawyer impaling himself on a white picket fence, or if burglars broke into Barney Rubble’s house and stole a year’s supply of Fruity Pebbles.

We fully expect you to keep taking 18-20 free throws a night on the cheapest fouls you’ll ever see, outside of the discount turkey bin the day after Christmas. But for one day, justice was served. Now get off the phone and save your breath – coach D’Antoni is going to play you 46 minutes a game when you return from injury.

From the Loyal Flopposition, NBA Referee Hotline 

Draymond Green 

Dear Draymond Green,

What can we say except that we’re impressed. Every year, you add a new dimension to your game. First, you added a three-point shot. Then you start racking up an unprecedented amount of triple-doubles for a power forward. Now, you’ve taken your technical fouls to a new level of efficiency.

Sure, the officials aren’t giving you much rope, and sure, some of these whistles seem quick. But your PER is off the charts – your Player Ejection Rating. You got two technicals in just over a minute of game play without any noticeable physical contact! It’s almost impossible to get ejected in that short a time without a punch or a shove, but you’ve done it time and time again. Your Bill Laimbeers and your Charles Oakleys may have gotten quick thumbs, but the difference is, you’re doing it from distance — and these long-range technicals have the potential to reshape the ejection world.

Steph Curry’s shooting forces the defense to stretch far from the basket, opening up shooting opportunities elsewhere on the court. In the same way, your constant complaining, cursing and air punches force the referees to watch for technicals the whole length of the floor, which opens up chances for Zaza Pachulia and David West to commit flagrant fouls down low. Given Kevin Durant’s increased ejection rate and Steve Kerr chipping in with referee abuse from the bench, this is a team that can get technical fouls from anywhere in the building. Once Steph starts ending his pregame warmups by throwing his mouthpiece from the tunnel, this team could the greatest ejection threat since — dare we say it — the Dennis Rodman-led 1996 Chicago Bulls.

Which begs the question: Could Steve Kerr draw a double technical arguing with himself?

Paradoxically Yours, NBA Referee Hotline 

Jimmy Butler 

Dear Jimmy Butler,

Congratulations on your dismantling of the Lakers this week. We do agree that there was something messed up about them wearing Minneapolis Lakers jerseys in Minneapolis, although they did move away 58 years ago. Coach Thibs was only two at the time, though I’m sure he was already breaking down game film at that age. We don’t believe it’s proper to assess a retroactive technical here, because the decision is made by Nike, not the teams. If it’s any consolation, those offensive jerseys probably tear as easily as tissue paper.

While the jersey choice was out of their hands, a few things the Lakers did on this trip raised eyebrows. Brook Lopez arrived at the Target Center wearing a David Ortiz Twins jersey but in Red Sox colors. Kyle Kuzma wore a Randy Moss Raiders shirsey. In addition, the team chartered a party boat for Lake Minnetonka, blasted Bob Dylan’s "Highway 61 Revisited" in the locker room and players carried their gear in Hefty bags, a clear reference to the demolished Metrodome’s right field wall. And of course, Lonzo Ball’s brothers headed to Lithuania, an even more unpleasant place to visit in the winter than Minnesota.

Our advice is to take revenge on the court, like you did this week. And keep in mind, the Warriors never called Minneapolis home — those “The Town” jerseys are in reference to Oakland, not Karl-Anthony Towns.

Respectfully Yours, NBA Referee Hotline 

Russell Westbrook 

Dear Russell Westbrook,

We saw that exciting game with the Bucks, the one in which Giannis Antetokounmpo hit the game-winning shot with a semi-dunk over you. After reviewing the tape, it looks like Giannis pushed off and stepped out of bounds with his foot on the drive. He also may have committed an offensive foul against you! So, to answer your urgent question, yes, your triple-double will stand.

We know this could be a crucial game as the Thunder get into gear for a playoff run, and we know that the referee should have noticed the Greek Freak’s giant foot touching the baseline. We also know you were worried that we might award a team rebound on the ball you snagged midway through the third. So don’t worry — your stats are fine.

This was a black mark for the league, and it’s honestly embarrassing that this play wasn’t reviewable. Luckily, some of the questionable assists you were awarded in this game also aren’t reviewable. We even thought you might play the game under protest, but apparently you only threatened to protest the box score. Since you got to 10 assists and 10 rebounds, we trust it won’t be an issue.

Challengingly Yours, NBA Referee Hotline