NBA Referee Hotline Bling: LeBron James orders at last call

Dear Mr. James,

As per your question, it is not illegal, but it is strongly frowned upon to drink beer during games. On-court boozing was a real problem back in the late '90s, especially in the four years where Hennessey replaced Gatorade as an official sponsor. The dunk contest was very sloppy that year. You may remember the drinking guidelines at your rookie orientation, including the poem:

Beer before liquor, play like Serge Zwikker

Liquor before beer, rage like Laimbeer

There’s a very simple field sobriety test. First, touch your fingers to your nose and recite an alphabetical list of your teammates, from Antawn Jamison to Zydrunas Ilgauskas. Then extend your hands outward and carefully walk the line between entertaining the fans and outright taunting your opponent. If that doesn’t succeed, you’ll have to blow into a Breathalyzer without making a joke about the Warriors blowing a 3-1 lead

Mr. James, you simply take it to the basket too often for casual alcohol consumption. That’s drinking and driving! There’s a real danger you’ll crash the boards!

If you’re going to drink, hand the keys to the offense to a teammate, like Kyrie. Not J.R. Smith! Because it’s clear that no one on the Raptors can stop you from driving.

Soberly yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Draymond Green vs. Rudy Gobert

Dear Mr. Green,

First, we would like to applaud you for your restraint after Mr. Gobert shoved you into a casting table in Game One. Last year, an incident like this would have led to yelling, retaliation, and let’s be honest, groin-kicking. So much groin-kicking. You’ve been playing like a superstar all April, and this time you reacted like a true superstar: You exaggerated the contact, and waited for the referees to get the other guy in trouble. LeBron James would be so proud!

We also wonder if Mr. Gobert was acting not simply out of frustration, but also extreme vertigo. He was spun around so many times by Mr. Curry, it’s very possible his equilibrium was permanently damaged. We are upholding his flagrant foul call and also issuing him a prescription for Dramamine.

Respectfully yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Chris Paul vs. Joe Ingles

Dear Mr. Paul,

We have reviewed the footage, and it’s very clear that you were not fouled by Mr. Ingles on this play. It was a clean strip! And as to your contention that the referees were “biased against the Clippers for being so awesome,” the statistics do not bear that out. The Jazz were called for 24 fouls to your team’s 19, and both of their centers fouled out. Almost as if the league itself preferred having a team from Los Angeles in the playoffs rather than one from Salt Lake City. But that never happens.

It is troubling that you seemingly attempted to kick Mr. Ingles in the face after this incident, because normally you stick to groin punches. Perhaps you’re trying to expand your repertoire heading into free agency. Or perhaps you realize your demonstrative style might be better suited to soccer. Regardless, watch out or you’ll be kicked out of a game. Toe the line, or you’ll get the boot.

We were also hoping you could review a spec script we came up with in the office for a new State Farm ad. Maybe you could pass it along to State Farm give us notes, whatever. After all, it would be a shame if the league decided to fine you retroactively for that kick, if you know what we’re saying. Anyway, here it is.

SCENE 1: Staples Center. Evening.

(CP3, DeAndre & Blake Griffin huddle.)

CP3: I'm gonna nail this jumper.

DeAndre: After I set a pick for you.

Blake: I'm definitely not going to end up in the hospital.

(CLIPPERS execute game-winning play to perfection)

SCENE 2: CP3 and DeAndre's house, which might be the old house the Hoopers lived in? Anyway, it's under construction.

(CP3, DeAndre & Blake walk into the house. Blake screams in agony and falls down dramatically, as if he was lightly touched by a defender.)

CP3: Dude, you stepped on a nail!

DeAndre: And then you fell on an ice pick!

Doc Rivers, suddenly there: Hey guys, I signed a family of skunks as your backups. I'm terrible at my job!

All (sung): Like a good neighbor, we’ll drive you to the hospital!

Speculatively yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Dahntay Jones vs. Jakob Poeltl

Dear Mr. Jones,

We are upholding your two technicals and ejection from the end of Game One. Directly confronting a player and taunting them is a point of emphasis for our officials, no matter what the game situation. Especially when the person you’re taunting is Jakob Poeltl. How can you have beef with Jakob Poeltl? He’s a soft 21-year-old from Austria who plays 11 minutes a game. He’s essentially human strudel! And yet you’re going full Salieri on him after you dunked on him. Actually, it was a 2-on-1, so really you dunked near him. Donnerwetter!

You also need to be careful, because these technicals come with a $3,000 fine. Since you were only under contract for one game, you only made $9,000 total this season. You lost two-thirds of your salary on this play! We worry, because if you get another technical, you’ll have to wash dishes in the arena kitchen to pay off your debt before they'll let you go home.

Viele Grüße, NBA Referee Hotline

Nene Hilario vs. DeWayne Dedmon

Dear Nene,

You were ejected for your physical altercation with DeWayne Dedmon. We agree that you were simply protecting your teammate, and also that you barely made contact with his neck. However, you were standing next to James Harden. And when you’re near James Harden, any contact whatsoever is exaggerated to a ridiculous degree. If it had been Harden’s neck, he’d still be on the ground, writhing in pain, and thinking about not playing any defense. And if they’d touched his beard, that’s an automatic one-game suspension.

We want you to be careful, Nene! While a suspension seems natural to a player who’s used to missing a quarter of his games every season, this year the Rockets need you! Who’s going to keep David Lee in check? Who’s going to battle Joel Anthony on the boards? Who’s going to protect the lane when Davis Bertans drives? Wow, the Spurs bench kind of sucks.

Nene, we are loving the career revival this year, but trust us. When it comes to DeWayne Dedmon, you’re better off letting Patrick Beverley trick him into getting ejected.

Sincerely yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Al Horford vs. Markieff Morris

Dear Mr. Horford,

We are disappointed by the play in which you injured Mr. Morris’ ankle in Game One. Clearly that was an intentional move on your part, and while it paid off, we can’t have that. Some have called it a “Bruce Bowen” move, but we call it a “Harrison Ford” — you’re obstructing his ability to land safely. This is a slippery slope! First you’re fouling a power forward, next you’re getting an age-inappropriate earring, and then you spiral downward to the point where you think you can make an Indiana Jones sequel in your mid-70s. Don’t go down that road, Mr. Horford!

The other concern we have is that you injured an identical twin. This really opens the door to twin shenanigans, a grave concern here at the referee office. We don’t want jersey switching, mistaken identity, disguises, having multiple dates in the same restaurant, Doubtfire-ing, Sister-Sistering, really any sort of farce- or caper-related activities.

Also Washington’s bench is so bad that their backup power forward is two children sitting on each other’s shoulders inside a trench coat. Stop playing dirty!

Chastisingly yours, NBA Referee Hotline